I very rarely do this but having watched some greatly entertaining Champions League matches yesterday and today and then stumbling upon this poorly reasoned screed about how soccer is ruining America, I have to say something.
I really hope that this is written as a joke. Short of that, this guy ought to up the meds. First he cites the standard complaint–it’s boring to watch because there isn’t enough scoring. Fine, you don’t like soccer. I long ago quite trying to convert soccer haters. They don’t get it and probably never will–and the MLS isn’t going to win them over.
But then he goes on to note four points that support his claim that soccer is ruining America.
1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.
Seriously? This is beyond dumb. Every sport “disables” competitors by imposing limits. Just because you don’t like these particular limits says nothing about your theory. And it is the poor, uncreative footballer who only uses his feet “with the occasional bang of the head.” While it’s true that the hands cannot be used to handle the ball, they are used continuously, along with the arms, shoulders, upper body, and legs to create space, get positioning, etc. It is a lot harder to outrun a defender at full speed while dribbling with your feet than to dribble a basketball, while cradling a football, or simply running 90 feet every three innings.
2) Sporting should be about breaking kids down before you start building them up. Take baseball, for example. When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding. Even its language was intimidating, with bases, bats, strikes, and outs.
I have no idea what he’s even talking about here. Baseball’s decline, a game I love, has nothing to do with the rise of soccer. Every soccer player I’ve ever known was “torn down” by a soccer coach just as much as any baseball or football coach might do. And what is so demanding about baseball, especially the terminology? Hitting a 95-mph fastball takes a special gift, but learning to how to keep score in a baseball game is no more difficult than understanding soccer. In fact, the intricacies of soccer is exactly why it hasn’t caught on (and probably never will) in America.
3) Everyone knows that soccer is a foreign invasion, but few people know exactly what is wrong with that. More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.
This has to be a joke. Please? Isn’t this exactly the consensus opinion about what it takes to win NFL, NBA, and MLB championships? Flashy, gimmicky offenses are entertaining and great for the regular season, but defense wins championships. I would suggest that for soccer, this is actually less true than in these other sports. Soccer relies so heavily on the creativity of the players (as opposed to the schemes and play calling of other sports’ coaches) that great offensive play will often outmatch great defensive play.
4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating.
I’ll grant that football is a much more violent game, but what about wasting an entire day playing baseball makes it manly? Play soccer for 10 minutes, and you’ll be severely physically challenged, and I’m not just talking about your respiratory system. You will be pushed, kicked, shoved, elbowed, tripped, spiked, etc. And, if you irritate me by talking trash, scoring a goal, or just nutmegging me, I’m likely to take you down intentionally and with malice aforethought.
I could go on, but I get it that lots and lots of people don’t like soccer. And that pains me because I love it while also loving football, baseball, basketball, lacrosse, etc. But if your reasoning for disliking soccer even closely resembles this guy’s, please be quiet about it.
Again, I hope this was all just a poorly executed joke.
This is the AWESOMEST thing I’ve ever read. I was reading it just thinking of what your reaction was going to be. Hilarious.
The funniest thing is that it was in First Things, a mag to which the Trench used to subscribe. I suspect you’ve never read it since it has a – how shall I say it? – distinctly Romanist viewpoint.
And now it’s flagrantly anti-soccer? Where’s the subscription renewal form…
I’ve read it, and even considered, if only momentarily, subscribing on the basis of a few very good pieces.
I might be flagrantly anti-soccer myself if I’d played in short shorts.
Now THAT’S funny.
Stupid facebook.